(Fade in to the KUM Arena, and a shot of your commentators for tonight’s show, “Downtown” Darryl Keagan and Katie Holmes).
“Downtown” Darryl Keagan: Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first WNS episode in more than seven years. I’m DDK, and I’m so proud to bring you the action alongside the lovely Katie Holmes, the former love interest of your esteemed commissioner, Brady Hicks.
Katie Holmes: Thanks, Darryl. That was a long time ago, obviously, and we’ve all moved on. As you all know, I’m now happily married with kids of my own, and Brady has found contentment in his own life.
DDK: Well, with that said, let’s get down to the ring for the first of four quarterfinal matches we will have in the new KUM World title tournament matches.
Breakfast Club Brawler vs. Assassin (with Maniac)
BCB was obviously distracted by the presence of the insane Maniac with his brother Assassin, at ringside. This allowed Assassin to easily roll up BCB for the pin. After the match, Maniac climbed into the ring with a rag that he held over BCB’s mouth, rendering him unconscious. Then, with a butter knife, he MANIACALLY began peeling away at the skin of Brawler’s arm until BCB woke up screaming and ran away.
DDK: Wow, Katie. An insanely disgusting way to start off the new season of KUM Wrestling.
Holmes: I would expect nothing else, Darryl. Say, before we announce the next quarterfinal match … let’s take a minute to talk about KUM Wrestling’s return to pay-per-view, with Frostbite. Frostbite will be available LIVE on Sunday, February 19th. To order your free copy, write firstname.lastname@example.org.
DDK: That’s right, Katie. And you have to order it to see the crowning of the new KUM World champion!
Holmes: Let’s get down to ringside for our next quartertfinal match.
(Commissioner Brady Hicks appears on the big screen).
Brady Hicks: Before we get to that next match, would you please come down to the ring, Katie Holmes?
Holmes: What the hell is this all about?
Hicks: Just get your fat ass on down there.
(She climbs, reluctantly, into the ring).
Hicks: Katie … Katie … Katie. Why ARE you still here? Haven’t you been embarrassed enough? You’ve been assaulted, violated, and been forced to miscarry. For those who don’t understand what my beef is with you, man, they really need to check out all of the old KUM Wrestling pay per views.
Holmes: Come on, Brady. Don’t do this. It’s been more than ten years.
Hicks: Oh, it’s already done. Because tonight, Katie, you will be taking on my new love interest, and you will be doing so NEXT WEEK IN A QUARTERFINAL MATCH FOR THE KUM WORLD TITLE. AND KATIE … I WILL BE AT RINGSIDE. AND IF YOU LOSE … YOU WILL LOSE YOUR DIGNITY … AND YOU WILL LOSE YOUR JOB!!!
(Maniac walks up behind Hicks, smiling with his bloody butter knife).
Hicks: Oh, and if you lose the match … you will lose some skin as well. And we aren’t talking that skin I broke all those years ago!!!
(Fade to black as Hicks and Maniac are insanely laughing, Katie looking around frantically to escape).
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