Witticisms: A Somewhat Jaded Yet Undeniably Entertaining Look at Raw 1000-1000

I told my brother Danny that I was having trouble figuring out what to write about for this installment of “Witticisms”.  After all, it’s been a while…Had to dust off the old keyboard, and yuk yuk — make us laugh clown — here we go again.  When I told him that I was stressing out about my writer’s block, there was a pause on the phone, and only in his dry, apt sense of truism disguised as humor that all listeners from our now defunct Sorta-Nerd-Talk-Radio show came to love, he said, “Who gives a s***, you realize you’re writing about WRESTLING, don’t you?”

And therein lies the crux of what a farce my shtick first on Bleacher Report, and then, when I turned “legitimate”, as a columnist on The Wrestling Daily, actually was.  Here I was trying to make people laugh with making jokes about wrestling, while the very idea of writing about wrestling is the joke in and of itself.

TWD alumnus Michael Scanlon conducting research for this article while under deep cover.

My mom took me to a hair appointment once.  She sat there with all the other ladies, getting their hair curled, or dried or whatever those helmet things are, and they were discussing Days of Our Lives.  “Oh, I heard that this guy is coming back”…”I think that this girl should leave that guy, and she should become bad again”…”You know who from General Hospital I’d like to see on Days of Our Lives?”

The thing is, if they were talking about well-muscled men in tights, rolling around a ring together, and they typed these opinions up, or had a radio show about it, I guess we could call my mom and these women wrestling journalists.  The IWC, in essence, is one big World Wide Web of ladies sitting in a beauty shop, waiting for their hair to dry.

Raw 1000 Quick Hits

  • After Animal spoiling his return over the weekend, the only way I was getting excited about hearing “Ohhhhhh, what a rush,” was if Hawk was live there saying it.
  • I was so pumped when Punk did something really cool and unexpected, since I’ve been waiting for over  a year for him to do something like that again.
  • Nothing says 1000 episodes of Raw more than “Charlie Sheen”.  The plan going in was for Daniel Bryan to get verbally abused by a drug addict — Randy Orton was still on suspension, though.
  • My favorite part of the whole returning legends angle was that moment before they came out… right before the music hit, when you could pretend that the haggard looking fossil that limped out wasn’t going to make you wonder where the last twenty years of your life has gone.
  • Hulk Hogan was supposed to make a surprise appearance.  He was on the way there.  He got his son Nick to drive him.  I can’t imagine what could have gone wrong.
  • I have to admit I’m a little sick of an all-time great coming back sparingly while still being idolized more than all the other guys who are putting the time and effort in day after day.  No, I’m not talking about The Rock.  I’m talking about The Undertaker.  He’s had the same number of matches as Vader in the last year.
  • So, when is The Undertaker coming back again?  The buildup to the next WrestleMania?  Is it going to be, gasp, a triple threat match between him, and D-Geriatric X, Triple H, and Shawn Michaels?  Well, if they have to, hopefully they’ll take any one of my suggestions:

1. It could be a ladder match: at the top of the ladder could be Rogaine, or Depends, or a “This is awesome” chant.

2. I’d be afraid that the ring would not be big enough to fit their egos, but even more afraid it wouldn’t fit their enlarged prostates.

3. Maybe a Casket Match – To finally find out which of these guys is the best at burying other wrestlers… that might actually put “The Streak” at risk.

Commenters, if TNA fans could yell “You Still Got IT!!!!!” at a pregnant Jim Anvil in recent years, then you could go easy on me too.

Michael Scanlon was the Raw Recap Specialist and Chief Humor Correspondent for The Wrestling Daily. He’s still got it.

3 Responses to Witticisms: A Somewhat Jaded Yet Undeniably Entertaining Look at Raw 1000

  1. So I’ll be a good sport here and put aside my blind devotion and love for the one who may or may not need Rogain and instead, chuckle with you because I did chuckle at quite a bit of this. The whole Casket match involving egos…that’s pretty effing brilliant. While Raw 1000 was full of great moments to poke fun at, I fear you could do a whole column in and of itself on Claire Lynch. I’ll just leave it at that.

    On a serious note, good job curing your writer’s block. It paid off.

  2. Avatar Juan
    Juan says:

    You still got it.

  3. Avatar Hold Me Closer Tony Danza
    Hold Me Closer Tony Danza says:

    I am so happy that you used “alumnus.”