“Serving out more squash than a cornucopia…that’s right I said it!”

Little introduction to this article series:

• 3 matches will be spotlighted every Sunday morning based on their nostalgic qualities, their in-ring performances, their campiness, and their performers’ contributions to today’s wrestling world.
• Will always showcase the big 3 (WWF/E, WCW, TNA).
• Will sprinkle in some ECW every now and then. We don’t want TOO much bloodshed too early in the morning, now do we?
• Not EVERY match will be a squash, but it’s always nice to see the fan favorite totally dominate.
• Main event of Squash Match Sunday will normally have a title on the line, and will ALWAYS be a quality wrestling match.

Now as Macho Man once said to Stephanie McMahon…let’s get to the action!
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EARLY BIRD SPECIAL

Now when I think of WCW staples, the first two guys that come to mind actually wrestled each other in an amazingly awful match back in 1989. The Iron Sheik faces off against the “Dogface Gremlin” Rick Steiner, accompanied to the ring by his brother Scott “Big Poppa Pump” Steiner and Missy “Pumped By A Lot Of Big Poppas” Hyatt.

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MID CARD HANGOVER

This morning’s Mid Card Hangover features the Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money in an Ultimate X Tag Team Match. Now if you are ACTUALLY hungover, this might be a video version of the “hair o’ the dog”. Awesome, awesome match that proves once again that the TNA’s X Division was/is nothing to mess with.

Things to keep an eye/ear out for:

• I love how Tazzzzz is talking about Beer Money being “intox..err..while driving..err” when he clearly sounds like he’s “intox..err..while commentating..err”.
• As exciting as most Best-of-5 series have been, do they EVER end before the 5th match???
• At 5:49, Alex Shelley definitely Superkicked Robert Roode right in the package. I guess you could say he got some Sweet Taint Music!

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YOUR MAIN EVENT OF THE MORNING

Undertaker and Kane (WWE Tag Team Champions) vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin (WWE Champion) and Triple H (WWE Intercontinental Champion).

ALL titles are on the line…

…in the same match.

THIS…is your main event of the morning!

Your main event worthy commentary of the afternoon:

• I’m usually a big proponent of Paul Heyman but MY GOD does he ever shut up!
• Did Austin EVER have healthy knees? Couldn’t they have made an Avatar for him or something?
• Not gonna lie, Austin and Haitch really jobbed out for the first half of that match.
• This next comment is actually from the Youtube page, courtesy of royaltyinc444: “STONE COLD KNEE BRACES MATCH STEPHANIE’S OUTFIT”.

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Well that about does it from my end, enjoy your Sunday afternoon and remember…

“STONE COLD KNEE BRACES MATCH STEPHANIE’S OUTFIT”

“It’s sexual baby, WOAHHHHHH!!!”

Little introduction to this article series:

• 3 matches will be spotlighted every Sunday morning based on their nostalgic qualities, their in-ring performances, their campiness, and their performers’ contributions to today’s wrestling world.
• Will always showcase the big 3 (WWF/E, WCW, TNA).
• Will sprinkle in some ECW every now and then. We don’t want TOO much bloodshed too early in the morning, now do we?
• Not EVERY match will be a squash, but it’s always nice to see the fan favorite totally dominate.
• Main event of Squash Match Sunday will normally have a title on the line, and will ALWAYS be a quality wrestling match.

Now as Jerry Lawler has said to most of his underage honeys…let’s get to the action!

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EARLY BIRD SPECIAL

Jerry “The King” Lawler and the Ultimate Warrior start us off this morning with our Early Bird Special squash match. Gotta love the Burger King chants. And as an added bonus, Owen Hart is guest commentating in this match!

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MID CARD HANGOVER

This morning’s Mid Card Hangover features Meng climbing into a 1997 WCW ring and taking on Glacier. To be perfecty honest, I didn’t know who was supposed to be jobbing and who was supposed to go over!

Things to keep an eye/ear out for:

• If I were booking for Nitro and I wanted to get the crowd pumped and ready to go, MY first thought would be Meng vs. Glacier too
• “MENG…IS…UNHURTABLE!!!” – Mongo. Obviously, Debra was :/
• More wrestlers should use the karate chop. You go, Glacier!!!
• Ernest Miller run-in!! Ernest Miller run-in!!

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YOUR MAIN EVENT OF THE MORNING

What more fitting of a match than a King of the Mountain Match to cap off another Squash Match Sunday. If you’re not familiar with the King of the Mountain Match, it’s a reverse ladder match with an interesting twist. 5 wrestlers start in the ring and start to do their thing. Once a wrestler pins or makes another wrestler submit, the defeated wrestler must spend 2 minutes in a penalty cage. The “winning” wrestler is now eligible to hang the championship belt above the ring to win the match and the title.

In this particular match, we have Jeff Jarrett, Christian Cage, Abyss, Ron Killings and Sting all competing for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship at TNA Slammiversary 2006.

Your main event worthy commentary of the afternoon:

• JAMES MITCHELL SIGHTING!!!
• I severely doubt Ron “K-Qwik” Killings still has the ability to procreate after all
of those unnecessary splits.
• Did Slick Johnson buy his bowtie at Spencer’s Gifts? That can’t be a standard issue referee bowtie.
• Yet another great match with a horribly written finish. Oh you silly writers!

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Well that about does it from my end, enjoy your Sunday afternoon and remember…

Larry Zbyszko is watching you……

SQUASH MATCH SUNDAY

“Cena-free since late August 2011″

Little introduction to this article series:

• 3 matches will be spotlighted every Sunday morning based on their nostalgic qualities, their in-ring performances, their campiness, and their performers’ contributions to today’s wrestling world.
• Will always showcase the big 3 (WWF/E, WCW, TNA).
• Will sprinkle in some ECW every now and then. We don’t want TOO much bloodshed too early in the morning, now do we?
• Not EVERY match will be a squash, but it’s always nice to see the fan favorite totally dominate.
• Main event of Squash Match Sunday will normally have a title on the line, and will ALWAYS be a quality wrestling match.

Now as Kevin Nash said to the unemployment office the Tuesday after HHH fired him…let’s get to the action!

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EARLY BIRD SPECIAL

In our Early Bird Special match, we have Chris Chetti taking on Mr. Power Ranger himself, Lance Storm back in a 1999 ECW ring. To be honest, I didn’t think that a 4 minute squash match existed back in ECW. I suppose this match occurred during that ‘beginning of the end’ period, when they started handing Rhyno all of their belts.

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MID CARD HANGOVER

Our two wrestlers competing in Mid Card Purgatory are The Berserker and Bret “Hitman” Hart in a 1992 WWF ring. And yes, this match was seriously for the World Wrestling Federation championship. I’ll give you 5 guesses who the champ was coming into this match.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThFpxMKiWWA
(To watch this match, please click on the link above)

Things to keep an eye/ear out for:

• HUSK!!!!
• God bless Bobby Heenan. I’m sure that humanoid mother of his deserved what she got from the Brain.
• HUSK!!!!
• Starting at 2:45, Lord Alfred Hayes becomes a giggling schoolgirl for about half a minute. My favorite quote is “Nobody answer the telephone there nuyahHAHA!”
• HUSK!!!!

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YOUR MAIN EVENT OF THE MORNING

YOUR main event of the morning pits Hollywood Hulk Hogan against Sting for the WCW World Heavyweight Title. This match definitely withstood the test of time. So many good matches occurred during the late nineties in WCW but are tainted with the sloppiness of nWo. However, this dream match didn’t totally disappoint. Poor ending, but overall a good showing by these guys.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT2-DW8S0Q0
(To watch this match, please click on the link above)

Your main event worthy commentary of the afternoon:

• By far, the best sell of the match goes to Charles “Little Naitch” Robinson. And my goodness it’s refreshing to see Nick Patrick officiating a match. I suppose the wrestling match was good too.
• I need more atomic drops in my life. Not being performed on me, but to see more in general.
• Towards the middle of the match, Bobby Heenan utters the line “Six inches away from becoming champion of the world.” I think Pat Patterson has used that line in the past too.
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Well that about does it from my end, enjoy your Sunday afternoon and remember:

“Nobody answer the telephone there nuyahHAHA!” – Lord Alfred Hayes

SQUASH MATCH SUNDAY

“Youtube: the hangover cure of champions”

Little introduction to this article series:

• 3 matches will be spotlighted every Sunday morning based on their nostalgic qualities, their in-ring performances, their campiness, and their performers’ contributions to today’s wrestling world.
• Will always showcase the big 3 (WWF/E, WCW, TNA).
• Will sprinkle in some ECW every now and then. We don’t want TOO much bloodshed too early in the morning, now do we?
• Not EVERY match will be a squash, but it’s always nice to see the fan favorite totally dominate.
• Main event of Squash Match Sunday will normally have a title on the line, and will ALWAYS be a quality wrestling match.

Now as Randy Orton says before squatting over a diva’s purse…let’s get to the action!

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EARLY BIRD SPECIAL

 
For our Opening Match, we have Terra Ryzing taking on Brian Armstrong back in 1994. Or in laymen’s terms, Triple H vs. Road Dogg in a WCW ring.

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MID CARD HANGOVER

Our second match of the morning shows off the TNA X Division circa 2004, as challenger AJ Styles takes on X-Division Champ Petey “Canadian Destroyer” Williams. This match is dedicated to Kevin McElvaney, who absolutely idolized Petey Williams back in the day.

Not a squash match by any means. Just wanted to put an AJ Styles match on here.

Things to keep an eye/ear out for:

• Last time I saw pyro that pathetic, I was watching Gillberg come to the ring.
• Shine on, you crazy six-sided ring!!!
• Wow! Forgot alllll about the ‘Oh, Canada!’
• Also forgot all about Team Canada in general. Look at those sweet matching pleather jackets!

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YOUR MAIN EVENT OF THE MORNING

 
Now I know that we had a WWE main event last week, but in honor of next week’s WWE Night of Champions PPV I figured we could replay a championship match from the VERY FIRST Night of Champions. Back when it was called WWF Vengeance, that is. In this match, we see the Undertaker take on Rob…Van….Dam for the prestigious WWF Hardcore Title.

Part 1

(to get to the match, skip to 5:00)

Part 2

Your main event worthy commentary of the afternoon:

• Why why WHY does Michael Cole call the trash can a trash ‘container’???
• In Part 2 around 3:46, I seriously think RVD kicked the Undertaker in the taint. Either that, or the Undertaker let out the weirdest sell in recorded wrestling history.
• The Undertaker’s face after the match tells it all. I’m sure he was thinking “I went through all that for a smashed Winged Eagle title?!?!”

Well that about does it from my end, enjoy your Sunday afternoon and remember to give that bum near your work some change…it might be Scott D’Amore!

SQUASH MATCH SUNDAY

“1+2+3 = SYXX!”

Little introduction to this article series:

• 3 matches will be spotlighted every Sunday morning based on their nostalgic qualities, their in-ring performances, their campiness, and their performers’ contributions to today’s wrestling world.
• Will always showcase the big 3 (WWF/E, WCW, TNA).
• Will sprinkle in some ECW every now and then. We don’t want TOO much bloodshed too early in the morning, now do we?
• Not EVERY match will be a squash, but it’s always nice to see the fan favorite totally dominate.
• Main event of Squash Match Sunday will normally have a title on the line, and will ALWAYS be a quality wrestling match.

Now as Triple H once said to Katie Vick…..Let’s get to the action!

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EARLY BIRD SPECIAL

 
Our first match of the morning tells the common story of an unstoppable force meeting an extremely movable object, when La Parka met WCW’s United States champion Goldberg in 1998.

…MY MOM DIGS GOLDBERG

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MID CARD HANGOVER

Our mid card match showcases the young athletic Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and Syxx-Pac (or The Band) as they take on Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, and Eric “EY” Young on TNA Impact! in 2010.

Things to keep an eye/ear out for:
• TNA Impact! on Monday at 8 PM? I wonder how that worked out for them.
• Syxx-Pac did us all a favor by locking Eric Young outside the cage.
• I WAS going to criticize Hall and Nash for leaning on the turnbuckles and doing nothing towards the end of the match, but if those guys ever fell onto the mat I don’t think there’s any way they’d be getting back up.

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YOUR MAIN EVENT OF THE MORNING

 
Our main event stars one of the most coveted (and currently forgotten) titles in the history of wrestling, the WWF/E Intercontinental Title. In this epic match, Chris Jericho battled Christian at WWE Unforgiven 2004 for the vacant Intercontinental Championship in a Ladder Match.

Part 1

Part 2

Your main event worthy commentary of the afternoon:

• Ahh, the Jeritron! Great to see that during the opening video package.
• I had no idea Jericho was born in New York until Lilian Garcia said it during his introduction. Remember when Lilian left to pursue her music career? And then she became a multiple Grammy award winner? Me neither.
• Edge having a ruptured groin is pretty funny, not gonna lie.
• Seriously, can they make this title belt legitimate again? It means as much as the European title did. Or the…Hardcore title. Ugh, I just shuddered at the thought

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Well that about does it from my end, enjoy your Sunday and remember…

SQUASH MATCH SUNDAY

“Featuring wins as easy as Sunday morning”

Little introduction to this article series:

• 3 matches will be spotlighted every Sunday morning based on their nostalgic qualities, their in-ring performances, their campiness, and their performers’ contributions to today’s wrestling world.
• Will always showcase the big 3 (WWF/E, WCW, TNA).
• Will sprinkle in some ECW every now and then. We don’t want TOO much bloodshed too early in the morning, now do we?
• Not EVERY match will be a squash, but it’s always nice to see the fan favorite totally dominate.
• Main event of Squash Match Sunday will normally have a title on the line, and will ALWAYS be a quality wrestling match.

Now I’ll say something no woman has ever said to me…..Let’s get to the action!

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EARLY BIRD SPECIAL

Our first match features WWE Hall of Famers Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Sgt. Slaughter teaming up to take on the Beverly Brothers. No witty commentary needed for this match AND it will only waste 3 minutes of your time!

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MID CARD HANGOVER

Our mid card match showcases the cruiserweight division of WCW, where we have Jamie Noble squaring off against Jimmy Yang (both former members of the Yung Dragons). While this match isn’t technically considered a squash based on the equal amount of offense that both these men present in this match, the brief amount of time allotted for the match makes it more than a candidate for Squash Match Sunday.

Things to keep an eye/ear out for:
• A plug for WCW Backstage Assault, the widely panned Playstation game that tried to market off of the hardcore movement that was taking place around that time.
• The god awful WCW commentary team, especially the line “WOAH!!! HE’S PRETTY FLY FOR A WHITE GUY!!” uttered by Mark Madden (I believe). This phrase perfectly describes the vibe of WCW circa 2000.
• “LUGER’S UP TO SOMETHING!!!”
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YOUR MAIN EVENT OF THE MORNING

Our main event features Samoa Joe (who was riding his 18-month undefeated streak) and Mr. Wrestling Machine himself, Kurt Angle. This match was a HUGE deal back in 2006 regardless of brand loyalty or how often you watched TNA. Samoa Joe was on a mythical level at this point, and Kurt Angle was (at this point) the hottest free-agent acquisition in TNA history.

Part 1

Part 2

Your main event worthy commentary of the afternoon:

• Good to see that TNA pulled out all the stops by holding this classic main event in the hallowed halls of the Impact! Zone.

• Not sure why Jeremy Borash had to mention that he weighed Angle that morning. I like to think that Angle was weighed that morning by Borash before they went out to the Golden Eagle Diner to split a grapefruit and some whole wheat flapjacks.
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Well that about does it from my end, enjoy your Sunday and as Hacksaw Jim Duggan so eloquently says…..HOOOOOOO!